mookie_vanessa

I rearranged my entire bedroom last night. Jesus I don't know why I started, but I did and everything looks great now, but there was about 2 hours of complete madness where I was very concerned for my own life,it seemed my clothes wanted to swallow me whole. I made it though, please insert picture of Vanessa standing with chair, and whip in hands taming a wild sweater...scary. Anyway, with all that moving shit around I found a lot of things that made me reminisce. *sigh*

People and things I miss
My Nana and Grandpap
Amy T.
Summer
Tim
alone time
confidence
Kristy
spare time
X
freedom of cherokee (I know I didn't work there, but I was there enough to understand.)
Sonya
Girl nights
ET!!!!
singing in a band
great band clothes
Ron
my father


Yeah, that is enough for now. If you are on the list, please know you are loved and missed!

Mitchell is great. Wow. Hope I can keep this one.

Why do our brains hold on to memories that just don't need to be there anymore. Why can't we remember forever the things we want to? Today I remembered the combination to my lock I used in highschool. But I can't remember my father's birthday. I can picture my grandmother's frown, but can't remember her smile. I have all these memories and stupid numbers locked in my head, and the things I cry to hold on to are slipping away. What did his hands feel like? What did her hair smell like? What did it feel like when I thought he loved me? Where are all the great moments? Why do I remember so many tears? I would gladly throw away that old combination to that old fucking lock that I don't even know where it is to remember something important. Is all this my own fault because I maybe took these things for granted? I didn't think about the birthday. The frown scared me, so I payed more attention to that than the smile. I didn't know he was going to die, or her for that matter. I didn't know he was going to stop loving me. Maybe I deserved losing those great moments and memories. Maybe I should try harder to recognize fantastic things when they are happening, so they don't just slip away.

You are officially on my mutual friends list, friend!! Hope you have mellowed a bit since your last post, all the best in Tex!

Arg. My damn eardrum ruptured. I have been on cloud nine love style and ignoring my physical condition, which apparently is kind of crappy. I have had a pretty nasty cold, sinus thing going on, and well I let it go enough that ear decided to explode in order to get my attention so I will go to the freakin' doctor and get antibiotics. Arg and grrr.
I don't really like talking on the phone right now because the voices don't make sense (not that they ever do). Please no one get mad when I don't return calls. Sorry. Luckily I can curl up in the arms of my gentleman caller and feel comfort and love. Of course, if I didn't have him, I could always curl up with my dog, so not all is lost.
Hope everyone is great-when I can hear again, let's get together for dinner or something!
Love,
Vanessa

Had a great weekend! I didn't have to work at all, not even a little bit, which NEVER happens. I spent Saturday morning running around doing errands and seeing an old friend. I miss that old friend, more than I would like to admit. Saturday night I went with Mitchell and Shannon and Allen to see Fall of the House of Usher at JCCT. Good stuff. Of course, I can't go to something and be quiet the whole way through, so Shannon and I made several lewd gestures back and forth and got to the point of nearly passing out trying not to laugh out loud. I love that feeling. Don't you? After the play we went with Chris and some of his friends to Fanatics. Fun stuff. Then to Chris's house for drunken games, fun. Went home with my Sweetie and just guess what we did there. ;) Hmmmmmm. Sunday morning I realized how much in love I am, how fucking lucky I am to have someone so great, and decided I am never letting him go. Ever. Never ever. Sunday afternoon I finished up some filming for a film I am in, crazy. Nearly had my lip bitten off by a hungry Mitchell diving for my miniature snickers that was already in my mouth-seriously funny. Then had a pumpkin carving dinner with Shanoobie and my boyfriend. After such a great weekend I fell asleep in the arms of my lover and dreamed of wonderful things. How much more awesome could a weekend get?
Sonya, I heard you had your head beaten in by some crazy no donut shaking asshole. I have tried to call you but your number isn't working. I am severely concerned. Please call me!

CORN MAZE- anyone, anyone?

Crazy times, crazy times. Isn't it funny how we can be blind sided by emotions we never intended to have. Now does that make them more real? My last relationship experience tells me, no, you idiot. I blindly fell in love then, and look where that got me, nothing negative, nothing positive, just time gone that I can't get back. I should stop questioning so much. He is making it so easy for me, and here I am beating it into the ground with concerns that don't apply to this relationship. I am so conditioned, God damn you Krishnamurti. I don't want to be conditioned , but I can't help it. I want to let it all go, just run with it, see where it takes me, but I also don't want another bunch of wasted time on my hands. Am I bitter? Maybe a little. Sorry, sorry to you who have to listen to me, sorry to he whose time I wasted as well as him wasting mine, sorry sorry sorry. I never really believed ET when he said he loved me, I guess I was smart for that, but I believe Mitchell and it is scaring me to fucking death, because when he decides he doesn't love me anymore and I am not enough to make him happy, I'm going to be left blind sided once again with a whole new set of emotions I never intended to have. Yippie skippy. Ain't love grand.
On a brighter note, I love Shanoobie and Sonya. Those chicks are the absolute fucking best in the world. Yay for them. Lets go out.

So, yeah. In my mind I thought, I am going to date, meet lots of men, women, probably have crazy one night stands, and just go buck fucking wild. I guess it really does happen when you least expect it. So, crap. My head is all light, my stomach is all full of butterflies, my heart, (yes, my damn heart even!) is all pitter-pattery. Crap. Crap. Crap. I don't want another heart ache, so I am determined to make sure this guy is for real. I hope so. Crap.

On another note- MY KITTEN IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! His name is Gryphon. He is the best little one pound of furry love ever. I would like everyone to meet him!! Ike and Pippin absolutely adore him and follow him around everywhere. It is like one big cute parade at my house right now, I can hardly stand myself.

Went to Gatlinburg last weekend with Mitchell. I experienced the Ripleys haunted house and I STRONGLY recommend it to all. Stand in the front of the line, if you have to be attatched to someone else in front of you I am sure it would lose some of the anticipation. Some great stuff though, I screamed like a teenager, my knees were shaking, hell my whole friggin' body was shaking, and I loved every minute. If you have the chance-GO!

Love to all, I am finally over my cold and look forward to seeing everyone out and about again!
Smooches!

I am adopting a new kitten! I've had the idea in my mind for awhile, and yesterday this lady brought a litter into the clinic. There sat this little, literally 1/2 pound, orange tabby kitten with blue eyes begging me to say I would be his new mommie. Well, oooooook. I can't have him yet, he is only 2 1/2 weeks old and not ready to leave his biological mommie yet. So, I am trying to think of really good names. I may need to wait to make the final decision until he is home with me, but start sending in your idea and it will be considered! I am so excited! Names thought of so far...
Porkie. Gryphon. Mervin. Ummmmmm, I can't think of anything else right now.
Had a great time the other night with Shannon and Sonya-party girls!! I found a little confidence again, apparently I am a little sexy, a little funny, and an all-around decent catch. I'm getting it back...look out world. Thanks to Shannon and Sonya, wouldn't have happened without you! Now if I could just get ET out from under my skin...grrrrrr.
NO MORE SLY FOX after tonight. Thank fucking god. I don't think I could have taken another weekend of it. So my life is returned to me, from the evil clutches of community theatre. Made some good friends though, can't complain too much. Wait, I can too, god damnit. I can complain all I want. Am I arguing with myself again? I hate it when I do that. Well, then stop. OK, jeez, don't get all defensive...

but sometimes it sure can feel like it. ET and I decided to call it quits after a week of him being home and us making our "efforts" to make it work. I don't know what happened, we just lost that spark I guess. Too much time apart, too different, whatever...it was just-done. No hard feelings, I will miss him greatly, our friendship should survive, we didn't beat it into the ground. We are both good people, we just aren't meant to be.
One of my biggest problems with breakups has always been feeling so fucking ugly and worthless afterwards. The whole why am I not good enough saga. I am trying really hard to believe this isn't my fault. I am worthwhile, I have a lot to give, I am sexy, attractive, funny, talented, blah blah blah, just not to him. I may need help getting back on my feet guys. I don't know. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel fine. I just don't want to be unhappy anymore.
ET has a job at Poor Richards Uptown, hopefully working full time-so go see him! Unfortunately he is having to move back in with his parents, but his propsective plan is to save money until January then move to Atlanta. I hope this works out for him, he deserves the best. He is such a great guy, just not for me.
Anyhoos-hope all is well with everyone, reach out to me-I need it!
Love you all,
Vanessa

There are too many empty rooms. Empty inside me i can't seem to fill, voids i don't know how to fill or what they need inside them. I look in the mirror and i don't see a person i recognize. I hate so many things about myself, too many to name, but hey, i guess this is who i am, the only me i am ever going to get, learn to live with them right? Scars and fresh wounds. I will never be enough. There are so many disappointments. I see happy things, too...but never enough, just like me, never enough.

It is quite possible all the weird fuzzy feelings I was experienceing was not for myself, but for ET. He and a few friends left late last night for Atlanta. After many traumas (not a car wreck, no one is hurt-just car trouble and some crazy police business), they finally arrived to their destination. The trip should have taken them about 2 hours, it took them, I think, 6. I received several calls over the course of the night/morning from a stressed/pissed off ET. BUT, they did make it. Here's hoping the trip back isn't as traumatic! I'll let ET give all the scary details, definately a story worth hearing!
Much love everyone-send good vibes!

Thank you sweet jesus. My car did not explode, my friends don't hate me, my mother did not disown me, and as far as I know ET and I are still solid. I made it through my weird fuzzy feeling without a scratch, must have been allergies.
Hope all is well!

Do you guys ever get that weird fuzzy, electrical feeling in your stomach, like may be you have done something wrong and you are about to get called out for it? That is the feeling I have, and as far as I know, I haven't done anything wrong. So of course the pessimist in me automatically assumes the worse; ET will probably break up with me today, my car is going to explode (with me in it preferably), all my friends hate me, or my mother has disowned me. I hate this feeling.

It seems this summer has flown by. It is the middle of July and I am not even sure where June went. I guess that's a good thing.
I am in rehearsals for Sly Fox at the Johnson City Community Theatre. Small part, I didn't really want a part at all, I didn't even go for call backs, but I guess they are desparate. I have a couple solo songs, and I get to where tall laceup boot things, so that is exciting.
ET is doing great in Cherokee despite the last entry on his non-updated journal. He just got done with a show, Dracula re-vamped, and let me tell ya' people it was GREAT. He choreographed most of the dances, some with fight scenes and such, and wow. He definately can be proud of it. I am really glad i got to see it. Lucky me!
There is a certain someone I know who will be having a birthday in a couple of weeks. Fabulous things need to happen for her-any ideas people?
My plans for dance lessons have been thwarted due to lack of cash. Damn it. But hopefully my finances will be straightening out in a couple weeks and I can get my groove on. I am itching to try this shit out. Watching ET and all the dancers at Cherokee makes me want to do it, BAAADDD. I hope I don't break anything...
Love to all!

Yeah, happy birthday to me. Thanks to all who recognized it, but really, I am nothing to get excited about. Sorry to Shanoobie who wrecked her vehicle today. I am thinking of you.
Love to all.

ET is super sick in Cherokee, he may have pneumonia. They pulled him from the show last night, and again tonight. He tried to go to the hospital, but the fuckers wouldn't take his insurance, so he is going to try to go to the hospital in Sylva tomorrow. Send all the love you can to him, he needs it in a bad way. He sounds awful. Poor thing!

So, I am feeling at home in my new apartment. I still don't have a lot of furniture, but the place isn't seeming so scary large anymore. Am I finally getting my shit together again? It seems it has been a really long time since I could just breathe without that tightness in my chest taking over. Granted, there is still a little pinch, but hell, who doesn't have that?
Yesterday I went for an amazing hike with old friends. Much needed. We went to the fire tower in Stoney Creek, which is right around the blue hole. Holy shit, absolutely gorgeous. It was a perfect day for it-thanks Mother Nature. Later I worked on monologue pieces for another old friend who is starting into acting-Good for him! Potential, potential, potential! What fun!
Even later I worked with Shanoobie on the Pinups stuff. Mostly we laughed, followed by a full reiki treatment.
What a fabulous fucking day. Hope today is the same!
Much Love to Everyone!
Full moon soon, anyone want to go out and play?
-

Wohoo for Chuck E Cheese. I admit when the idea was first applied I thought, you gatta be fucking kidding me. First, I hate children. Second, this is a place for children, why would I put myself in a position with possible breakdown and child killing. Well, because apparently I am just a big kid myself who loves pizza, friends, and ski ball-that is why. So, I had a blast acting like a big kid and enjoying what friendships are all about. Man, I love that big rat (and I think he loves me, too-I swear he was looking right at me when he was singing. I swear it.)

So, I went to Cherokee this past weekend where I was scandalous and lewd and completely uncalled-for during their big party night. I shouldn't feel too badly, so was everyone else, it is just that kind of place.
For those of you who don't know me very well let me fill you in on a little bit of Vanessa that is not usually held very dear to most, I make very rash, un-thought-through decisions. In chinese medicine I am considered a FIRE, and let me tell you I was cooking this last weekend. Fire personalities are really bad for working on instinct (IE...running away). Because of this I almost screwed up a pretty good thing. I almost broke up with him...how fucking insane could I be? I'm just scared of being hurt, left behind, battered and bruised. It is all just craziness. Input anyone? Please, my heart is bleeding.